


Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-18
Updated: 2008-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1629257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is she a woman or is she a machine, and will he ever really know?<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to  <lj user="zippitgood"> for the beta and <lj user="insanejaik"> for marathoning Terminator with me for inspiration! :D
> 
> Written for pwincess

 

 

_**Baum Household, CA - John's room** _

"I'm a machine. I can't be happy."

But can you love?

That's what I wanted to ask. That's what I've wanted to ask ever since she tried to kill me...and then didn't. I know she was pleading for her existence. I know she was trying to make me stop, make me see that she was ok. But to tell me she loved me...to tell me I loved her. What the hell am I missing?

She can't feel. She's just a machine. I can't trust her. How many times have I had that beat into my head? She's one of _them_. She's the enemy in sheep's clothing and oh by the way the world's best and most ruthless body guard. She's all of that...but is she more? Can she be? She walks around here half naked, does she even know how she looks? She claims it's hot, as if it matters to her. She tells me I don't really understand how _they_ work, that they can _feel_. But everyone else in my life tells me it's a lie.

What am I supposed to believe?

Do I believe the machine who came back in time for me and went against her own programming to stay with me? That's not supposed to happen. Is that why I chose her? What is she to me? She tells me I talk to her...or I will. She tells me she understands how lonely it is to be "John Connor." Does that mean in the future she's all I have? Do I have no chance? Is it all mapped out? Why can't she just tell me the end of the story and save me all the damn pain? Do I really love her?

I can't. I shouldn't. I should be with Riley, someone who can at least _love_ me. She tries to understand even though she doesn't know anything. Even after Mexico she didn't question me. She let it all go and I can't help but wonder why. It doesn't make sense. She should be scared of me. She should be running the other way. So why isn't she? 

Push away from my second story window and trudge back to my bed. Nothing else to do this time of night. Not anymore, not after what happened last time. Drop down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling trying to ignore the memory of what it was like to have her curled up beside me. I can't get too close. I can't let myself feel for her. I need to focus on Riley...even though she brings up more questions than answers. 

Reach up to put my hands behind my head and count the cracks in the ceiling. Cameron said the house was shifting. I guess she was right. But when isn't she? Everyone likes to tell me she's all wrong but...what if she's the only real person I can trust? Except...she's not a person at all, is she?

Mom told me once that great minds, great people, have a purpose. That's what I'm supposed to be. Some great mind that somehow saves the whole damn world from _them_. That's my "destiny." But what if I don't want it to be? Why can't I just be a "little mind" and have a regular life? Why can't I be one of the ones who are protected. There are millions of people in the world, I can't understand why one, just one, couldn't pick up the slack if I was gone. Why does it always have to be about _ME?_

"John?"

Raise my head enough to look over at the doorway and there she is, the center of all my conflict. She tilts her head at me in the way she does when she's trying to read me and I feel my body respond in ways it shouldn't. But how can I help it when she's wearing nothing but a see through tank top and shorts that might as well be panties? Is she doing it on purpose? Is this how I like her to be in the future?

She steps inside my room without another word and comes over to settle beside me on the bed as she has been a lot lately...and I feel myself relax at the slight warmth of her body almost touching mine. She's a machine. I know she is. So why does she feel so _real?_ Why does she make me feel more at ease than anyone else? I don't even feel this way with Riley and I can't help but wonder why.

"Why are you here?" The question should be so simple but the instant the words leave my mouth I know they're not. Sure I want to know why she keeps coming to me like this and sure I know that she's here because I sent her back to protect me. But what if there's more? What if _she's_ more?

Her head turns to face me in a move that is so human and so not all at the same time. I can spot the difference in her movements so easily. I've been trained to. Is it wrong that it puts me so at ease? Is my entire life destined to be with this one machine that will never really know me?

"Because you were alone." 

Stare at her as she lays her head down on the pillow next to mine and I know, I just know her words are about more than right now. I don't know how I know, but I do. It's all there in the eyes that shouldn't look so deep, in the voice that shouldn't be so human. To this day I still don't completely understand all the time travel that makes up my world but I wonder if there had to be a time I didn't have her in my life. Is that why I sent her? So I wouldn't be alone? So I'd have this...whatever this is?

I can't count the times she's done this recently and at first I just thought it was to make sure I didn't sneak out to see Riley again. But I don't think so. We've talked about Riley and though she tells me the facts laid bare in a way only she can, she doesn't try to "forbid me" from seeing her. She just lets me make my own mistakes and then tries to deal with the fall out. I should ask her what she thinks. I should ask her if Riley is a part of my future, though I doubt she'd give me a straight answer. But it doesn't matter. I think if I really force myself to I already know the answer.

Something's not right with my relationship with Riley and I know it. She doesn't react the way she should. Something's...off about her, almost like she's lost in time and I don't know why. It's like it's all too perfect the way we met and how nothing seems to phase her. It's like it's _fake_. I've seen it for awhile. I've known it since Mexico but I didn't want to admit it. I still don't and I won't. Not yet, but soon. I'll have no choice.

Look over at the "machine" lying next to me and shift a little closer, stretching my arm out underneath her pillow. She scoots forward and rests her head on my shoulder without a word exactly like I hoped she would. Her head should be heavy, but somehow she keeps it so it's not. She feels just like she should if she were really a woman and my body still responds even when I know it's not real. Did I program her to be this way or does she just know me so well she knows what I need before I even ask? Could she really mean it when she said she loved me? Close my eyes and let out a soft sigh. She's a machine, nothing but a machine. 

But she's mine.

Tilt my head so it lightly touches hers and finally let myself relax completely. I'm going to lose Riley. I'm going to lose Mom and Derek and everyone else I've ever cared for. It's going to happen no matter what I do. But I have _her_. Even when her programming was changed she still came back to me. I know I shouldn't trust her. I know I shouldn't trust anyone but...I do. I trust her. And to be honest, maybe she was right. Maybe it _is_ more than that. Maybe she was telling me the future even though she wasn't supposed to, or maybe she was telling me the now and I didn't even realize.

Open my eyes to find hers staring right back at me. She's a machine I tell myself for the millionth time, but it makes no difference. I see the future as clear as day. I will be lonely and it will be hard, but I'll have her. She'll move heaven and earth to stay by my side and I know she'll succeed. Just like I know she was right. I do love her. And maybe, just maybe, on some strange level that shouldn't be...she loves me too.

And I can live with that.

Not because I have to and not because I have no other choice. It's more than that. She'll let me be me. She'll support me and be with me and make sure I'm never, ever alone. It may not be as real as it should be, but it's all I'll ever have. I just wonder if I'll ever hear her say those words again.

"Thank you," I whisper to her softly and I'm not even sure what all I'm thanking her for. The past, the future, the now? Does it even matter?

"You won't be alone, John." Her words are just as soft as mine and I can't help but stare into her eyes a little longer. Could she be saying more? Is there more meaning to her words or are they just shallow and what I need to hear all because of how I programmed her? 

No. I won't believe that. I can't. Because if that was true I really would be alone and I won't believe that. I believe the way I feel, even if it is misguided. I know she'll never feel the way I do, but maybe there's something. She told me I don't really understand how they work and maybe she's right. Maybe there's more.

God, I really hope there's more.

 


End file.
